Story of my life:

I'm tired of my life
I feel so in between
I'm sick of all my friends
Girls can be so mean
I feel like throwing out
Everything I wear
Starting over new
Cause I'm not even there

Sometimes...
I wanna get away some place
But I don't want to stay too long
Sometimes
I want a brand new day
Trying to fit in where I don't belong
Hook... Hook me up
I wanna feel the rain in my hair
Hook... Hook me up
Where should we go?
I don't even care
Anywhere is good enough
Hook me up
Hook me up

I like the lights turned out
The sound of closing doors
I'm not like other girls who always feel so sure
Of everything they are
Of what they're gonna be
Sometimes I'm just a girl who's stuck inside of me
Of me

Sometimes
I want to disappear some place
But I don't want to stay too long
Sometimes
I'm feeling so alone
Trying to fit in where I don't belong
Hook... Hook me up
I wanna feel the rain in my hair
Hook... Hook me up
Where should we go?
I don't even care
Anywhere is good enough
Hook me up
Hook me up

Anywhere is good enough
Hook me up

They're going to crash and burn
I'm going to find a way
Nothing left to say

Hook... Hook me up
I wanna feel the rain in my hair
Hook... Hook me up
Where should we go?
I don't even care (I don't even care)
Hook... Hook me up
I wanna feel the rain in my hair
Hook... Hook me up
Where should we go?
I don't even care
Anywhere is good enough
Hook me up
Hook me up
Hook me up

Anyways, so I've been thinking about what I wrote on Saturday. And then of course, I came across above said song which totally relates to how I feel at the moment. I want to just get away from everything and everyone. My friends are mean. Although, most are not girls. :( I want to start fresh. New. Do something brand new. So, I think the new direction that I've taken in my life is probably a good one. It puts me in a different place completely. None of my friends would follow me in the steps I'm about to take. And I think it's the first descion I've made that I really feel confident about. So, wish me luck.

These four walls
They whisper to me
They know a secret
I knew they would not keep
It didn't take long
For the room to fill with dust
And these four walls came down around us

It must have been something to send me out of my head
With the words so radical and not what I meant
Now I wait
For a break in the silence 'cause it's all that you left
Just me and these four walls again

It's hard now to let you be
I won't make excuses
I've made my peace
It didn't take long
For me to lose the trust
'Cause these four walls
Were not strong enough

It must have been something to send me out of my head
With the words so radical and not what I meant
Now I wait
For a break in the silence 'cause it's all that you left
Just me and these four walls again

Yeah
It's difficult
Watching us fade
Knowing it's all my fault
My mistake
Yeah, and it's difficult
Letting you down
Knowing it's all my fault
You're not around

It must have been something to send me out of my head
With the words so radical and not what I meant
Now I wait
For a break in the silence 'cause it's all that you left
Just me and these four walls again

Again
These four walls again

So, hi.

I'm not really sure what to say. This week has been a hard one. I went through a lot at the beginning of the week. If you don't already know what happened, well, then it sucks to be you.

I learnt a lot with everything happened. I learned that people do care about me. I thank you all for caring. It means so much. What matters are those who care and those who are there for you when you need it most. I'm sorry I caught so many of you off guard and tried to do what I did. It's just when you get to thinking like that nothing else really matters. I wasn't trying to do what everyone thought I did either. It was a way of getting rid of the emotional pain and replacing it with physical pain. So, guys, I'm sorry. Completely and truly. I'll talk more from now on. I just gotta feel like people want to listen. I also learned, all in all, I don't have it that bad off. There are a lot more people in this world that have it worse off than me. All the other people there had so many problems and I had no idea they had their lives to cope with. It was a really emotional time. Trying not to cry while trying to realize how much everyone in my life really does care about me. I have become grateful for the people I know and the people I care about. The ones who care about me too.

Edit (2/1): I've learned who my true friends are and who isn't. I'm back on my medication like a good girl. I'm much happier and at peace with everything that happened that week. Well, that Sunday and Monday. As I said before, it was a huge learning experience. I don't think I will be going to a hospital for awhile. Actually, the day before yesterday my grandmother was in the hospital for a procedure. I'm not quite sure what it was. I know I should have gone to the hospital to visit her, but I just couldn't do it. I was too scared still. I went home yesterday though and she had been released while I was at work. So, I spent some time with her. She's my last grandparent and I don't want her to leave like my grandfather did. I still resent how awful I was to my grandfather. I used to listen to all his stories about WWII and things like that. As I grew up, he got more senile and out of it and sometimes didn't even recognize me. It annoyed me. It shouldn't have. I should have understood it and him and had the paitence. The last time I saw him was when I was going to prom. I said goodbye like it was nothing. I walked out like he didn't matter. I was so stupid. Weeks later he was dead and I was in the middle of exams. I couldn't bring myself to cry because I felt I didn't deserve it. I felt just plain horrible. Like I was the world's worst person. That's a hard burden to carry.

But, you know what? All of it doesn't really matter. Without that one person to reassure me things are ok, things aren't special. They are just things. Days go by and I barely even notice they do. The motions I take are just motions. There's no feeling in them. It's like I'm just half asleep or doing everything in a daze. I'm moving and understanding everything around me. I'm changing. But, it doesn't quite matter. Not until that one person cares. No, I'm not going to give up. You can forget it. You may go your seperate way and I may go mine, but I will not give up on it. I'm not a quitter. I hate to give up on things. I hate it even more when it's something I feel so passionate about. I don't think it was fair to me that the things that happened didn't even get an acknowledgement. Being cold won't help. In fact, the only way I could ever be pushed away is if the opposite happened. That won't happen in a million years. Yes, I'm writing to directly feel some sense of ending and a response. I know there won't be a response. Nonetheless, thank you for everything. I'd risk my life for yours any day. In fact, I suppose I just did that. Haha. I'm not quite sure still why we can't even talk things out like everything that has happened doesn't matter. It should. I need to talk about it with you. I need some sort of closure. I need something. You were my strength when I needed it. You were the one who picked me up when I was down. You were the one who pestered me until I spilled out everything to you. I'm sorry I am that way. I am getting a lot better. You were my hope for each new day. The reason I woke up everyday. You had so much paitence with me and that is something I will always admire in you. You were everything to me and more. You are truly wonderful in every way imaginable and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I appreciate everything you have given me in the past, I only wish I could receive more. I wish I could give you more. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my heart and soul and every last breath I take. Not that I already haven't done that. What I did was wrong, but you have to understand how scared I was. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry for it. I fell hook, line and sinker. I'm so sorry and I would do anything to show you that you are the most important person in the world. In fact, you are the only reason I did it. I did it to protect you. It meant nothing to me. I know you don't want to be associated with me anymore. But, think about it all, please. I didn't mean to do any of it. I was truthful the rest of it. I tried to tell you. It just came out completely wrong. I'm sorry... I am just so sorry...

In other news, Olivia Newton John was on American Idol yesterday. That was nifty. I'm listening to one of her most famous songs right now. Why? Because it pretty much shows what I'm feeling right now. I'll paste it at the end of this. Anything else? Work is great. I really have enjoyed working with everyone. Jean and Mary are a trip. It's been a lot of fun and I feel important with all the inside access I get because I have to get developers access to everything. I finally have a real project to work on and it's going well thus far. I'm excited about it. Ask questions! I'll share. I promise. I gotta get better about it. I guess that's it for now. Adios.

Guess mine is not the first heart broken,
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know,
There's just no gettin' over you

I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see,
There's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him",
My heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end,
That's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
Hopelessly devoted to you

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Well some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow maybe shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

---

I need somewhere to say this. I'm sorry. But, most importantly, even through all the bad times, u are right. You were there. You never faltered. And I'm sorry for not saying thank you. So, thank you. It means the world to me that you were there for so long. Thank you for saving me from myself and making so perpetually wrong desicions. I apoligize with my whole heart for putting you through so much. I should have realized what I was doing. It's just when I get in that state, I see nothing but darkness. I'm sorry for not seeing it sooner. I... I just wanted to say thank you. If that's the last thing you ever hear from me, let it be that I appreciate everything you did for me and that I thank you for your dedication to me. 

Omg! Everybody scream! It's an entry! SCREAM I SAY!
So, what's new? Well, I was right. I lost! Haha. I'm ok with it. I'm sure Adam will do a wonderful job. I just wish he would give ME a job now.
Usually, I write entries with a purpose in mind or to get some feelings across which i just need to have sorted out in my head. The easiest way to do that is Xanga honestly. It's like a diary to me. (I wonder where I put that....) Alas, first, more boring stuff. I did alright this past semester. 4 B's, 2 C-'s, and 1 A+. Don't get excited about the last one, it was a one credit hour class called Ethics in Computing. You're prolly a lil off ur rocker if u didn't get an A+ in that class. I've kinda stopped going out and doing things this past semester. It's no good. I hope to pick it back up and make Neil happy again. Lol. Living with Erin and Mariel should be a lot of fun. Ok, done.
If you don't know what's been happening, well, then, you are at a disadvantage. Sorry. So, right, it's over. I'm moving back into my apartment for the remaining two months of rent I have left. Am I sad? Yes. Am I mad? Yes. Is it my fault? To some extent. Ok, mostly. Honestly, I'm not sure why it's happening. It could have been everything I hoped for and more. Perhaps I was just stupid and didn't see it until after I lost it. There were many things wrong. I should have been more open about it for one thing. If there was just a name to the relationship. If that had been there for others to know about, I think that would have put minds at ease. Also, I think that would have solved a TON of problems. I think too much time was spent together as well. If there had been a tad more distance between the two, it would have made us feel that the other was indeed important. Personalities clashing? I do not believe this is a valid reason. Why? Well, simply, opposites attract and compliment. I'm rude, loud, and obnoxious. He wasn't. Quite the opposite. But, without me ever being so intrusive would he have even bothered to be really good friends with my friends? Go out and do lunch with others? Take intiative to not sit at the computer all day?! Really? I think not. Somehow, my personality makes people want to do things. I've been proud of that from day one and I've seen this person take notice of it and do their own thing because of it. In my opinion, that reason doesn't fly even though it seems to be the one opinion that the other holds so hightly as to why this isn't going to work. Anyways, I'm tired. I'll add more to this later.

*Edit: Wanted to add more*
So, as I was driving 50 down Sage Road (don't do that), I realized how important what I had was to me. For instance, I do not like to cry. Well, I cry a lot, but that's usually just due to depression and whatnot. Most of the time, I'm by myself and I don't like letting other people see me cry. If you're one of those select few who has seen me cry, consider yourself lucky. Knowing that I dread crying in public and in front of people I don't really know well, it's rather hard to say it wasn't important to me when I was half in tears while talking to my psychatrist about it. Even when explaining it to Jessica while at a gas station pumping gas outside in broad daylight, I was choking on my words and trying not to cry. These two hispanic guys looked scared tho and that was priceless. Nonetheless, even now as I write about it, it gets hard to say things because I'm tearing up. Yay for blurry screens? I know I may sound ok, but I'm really not. My "peppiness" is just a facade. Well, if you are reading this, you probably already knew that. Way to state the obvious Anita. But for all those miles I've driven by myself in the car back and forth on I-40, I think that all this thinking is just getting to me. I mean perhaps writing it out is a good idea. I do need to get it out. But, at the same time (I'm sure he knows this and won't do a damn thing about it ), I write in order to illicit some response to my thoughts on the matter. I don't mean "Oh, you are so right, please let's try it all over again. I was so wrong with everything I said" kind of thing. If it's that over to you, then why hope for that? Besides, I'm used to being wrong. What I do want is an acknowlegement that perhaps some of my ideas are indeed correct and perhaps it would have worked if they had been in effect. Some of them, I can't really attest to. Like the distance thing. I realize he pushed it early on and now I see why. But, circumstances at that present time were not so enjoyable. I think it would have been better this year. So, yes, is there some underhanded manipulative reason I'm writing all this other than just to sort myself out? YES! I can't believe I just said that... but, yes. I just want a nice formal discussion in which he tells me that I'm right on some points and gives me a hug and walks out the door... never to come back. Because, chances are, knowing him... he won't even look back.

*Edit: More... again....*
I hate giving up. I'm trying to give up. Really. I swear. I absolutely abhor giving up. Especially when I want something that means a lot to me and I feel passionate about. Like, the whole treasury thing. Perhaps this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Well, nah, I knew it'd be hard. But, this constant going back and forth is just killing me. Everything seems to be my fault and it hurts more and more as I learn how much I did wrong. I have to keep apoligizing and figuring out how I can fix it, but the truth is that I can't. It's too late and now I'm stuck in this "If only..." phase. I need support, but there's no one there to really give it to me. No one seems to really grasp the whole situation. I mean, it'd take hours, maybe ever days to lay out everything that's happened. But, he got it, I didn't even have to say words for him to understand how I felt sometimes. Well, I take that back. Perhaps that was a problem. Haha. Most of the time when I'm upset all I need is a good hug and I'm good to go. He had the best ones. *smiles* Right, right, no reminiscing. It's bad for me. But the baby fish!!! *cries* Ok, I'm really done. See, giving up for me is like telling me to go drown myself. I just can't do it. Where is my lovely conversation? What happened to As Long As You Love Me? Blargh. Chances are I'll add more again later. Stay tuned to Anita's Disgraceful Love Life, the only ultimate real life soap opera you'll ever watch!